i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
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