That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
my phone needs a breathalizer
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
you win again, gameday.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
