im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
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