I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
