70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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