had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
