Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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