I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
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