wrigley field is MILF paradise
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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