I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
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