Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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