Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
