pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
