what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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