so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
