I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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