I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
