She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
