oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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