he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
