All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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