I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
