Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
