He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
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