It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
