just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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