Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
