My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
You're like the curious george of whores
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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