Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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