You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
