He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
