this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
