Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
