guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
