You can't special order awesome
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
