Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
