I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
