but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
