i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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