is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
