Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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