I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
