I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Randomize
