JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
