Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
