News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
