man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
