I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Randomize
