I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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