if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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