Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize