My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
