Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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