last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
