I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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