life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
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